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Birthday Blues
Being Overcome by Thoughts of Death
A couple of weeks before my recent birthday, only one thought surrounded the impending milestone…
Death.
I was enveloped in a fog where my thoughts were thick and heavy. I was stuck. It was a persistent grey that continuously swirled around me. I could not find my way out.
On the outside, to others, I was anything but. I have, through my health journey, become quite the aficionado of masking feelings and thoughts. I do not mean to imply I do this all the time. It has been a long time, fortunately, since I have experienced these types of thoughts.
But this time was different. This feeling was penetrating every fiber of my being.
“Why am I still alive?”
“How am I still alive?”
“How long do I have left?”
“Do I want to live longer?”
Instead of constructively working my way out of the situation I found myself in at the initial signs of this bleak overture, as I have learned, almost trained to do over the past few years, or speaking to someone about my thoughts and feelings, I marinated in them. I would let one thought turn into two, into six, until I was in a mental hyperbaric chamber of negative emotions.
One example of me taking this darkness into deeper depths was watching multiple movies about death. “Our Friend”, “You’re Not You”, and more.
What was I telling myself? What the hell was the purpose of this exercise?
I know better. I have read about this. I have written about this. I have spoken about this. What was different this time? Why the f*ck was I stuck in this sinking feeling?
Very Well Mind has an article about the birthday blues titled “What is Birthday Depression - Why Some People Feel Bad On Their Birthdays” by Morgan Mandriota, which was updated on June 16, 2023 which delves into this topic.
In the article, Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D, a licensed clinical psychologist and member of the media advisory group at the Hope for Depression Research Foundation, states “It [birthday depression] could be associated with other mental health disorders, such as depression or anxiety. For individuals who have a history of depression, it would not be uncommon for them to experience sadness around their birthdays as well. For some, it could be tied to previous negative experiences with birthday. Others may reflect on their lives and may not feel they are where they wanted to be by a specific age. For others, birthdays can come during times when they are going through something difficult.”
Dr Lira de la Rosa also adds that a birthday may be a trigger for someone who has experienced trauma in their lives, depending on the context and duration of when they experienced the trauma.
“Certain signs may alert you that you are experiencing the birthday blues, including but not limited to the following:
A change in your mood that persists and lasts for several days surrounding your birthday
Feeling more low, down, or sad than usual
Crying more often than usual
Ruminating on the past and goals unaccomplished (e.g., not getting married or having kids yet)
Stressing about how much time you have left to live
Not having much energy or motivation to do things
Lack of interest in doing what you typically enjoy
Changes in sleep
Changes in appetite
Difficulty focusing or concentrating
Physical aches or pains
Wanting to avoid the actual day of your birthday
Disinterest in celebrating your birthday (e.g., rejecting or refusing plans to celebrate with friends or family)
Desire to isolate yourself”
Coping mechanisms and other treatments are available. And we should do our best to be aware of these, all of us. Yes, all of us. Just because you have not experienced the birthday blues, does not mean you will not in the future. Also, being aware of them could help you to help someone else who turns to you in their time of need.
These mechanisms include, but are not limited to:
Allow Your Emotions to Arise
Practice Awareness and Self-Compassion
Talk About Your Experience With Someone You Trust
Celebrate However You Feel Comfortable
Prepare For Your Birthday With Healthy Activities
Speak to a Therapist
For the full article which shares much more about this and from Dr. Lira de la Rosa, go to https://www.verywellmind.com/birthday-depression-why-some-people-feel-sad-on-their-birthdays-5190225
So, back to me.
How did I manage to pull myself up from this abyss I found myself in?
The simplest way to put it is — Life. I am not by any means attempting to be ironic when I say that, but as I see the words, it does seem a bit cheesy. Okay, maybe more than a bit.
How about this — People. Better yet, the people in my life and…(to have some of you roll your eyes at this moment)…those who I have yet to meet.
I am not going to bore you with quotes about how people make the world a better place, or how we need each other.
For me, it was re-recognizing the people that I do keep close to me combined with what is actually going on in my life outside of my mind…reality.
This past week, my very good friend, Julie (or “Jules” as I like to call her), planned an amazing birthday dinner. I had a belated birthday dinner with three of the best guys I know…shout out JP, Donald, and Scott. I ended the week by going to an incredible event which raised money for LOPA (Louisiana Organ Procurement Agency) where I met some fabulous people.
And this does not include me having a 4 hour conversation with someone who after we talked, I did not think about death or dying for the first time in over two weeks.
To Julie, JP, Donald, Scott, Tulli, Kara, Ruth…to everyone at LOPA, National Kidney Foundation, American Kidney Fund, and other organizations I am involved with…to all who reached out with birthday wishes…to my parents…to my closest and dearest friends…to Dr. Sejal for that initial four hour conversation and our subsequent chats…to the family members who I actually like and talk to…to those who I only talk to through text and we keep making plans to have a phone conversation…to the doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals who have helped me in my health journey…to my Big Brother, Kirit…to my cousins Suraj and Ankur who always send the best memes and videos in our group chat…to all of my nieces and nephews…to Nick, who we are extremely overdue for a sit down…to my amazing podcast co-host, Sara Eve…to all the volunteers who inspire me…to all the kidney warriors who fight the good fight…to all the caregivers who do so much and too many times go unnoticed…to the retiring LSU Professor whose party in downtown Baton Rouge we crashed on Saturday night after the fundraiser…to those who put a smile on my face…to all the people and things in life, no matter how big or small, that make me feel alive and make life worth living…I am incredibly thankful and grateful.
Much Love!
Please remember, I am not a medical professional, nor is any of this medical advice. I am just out here living A Kidney Life.
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